Being without ID for the entire of first year is worst thing you can imagine, especially for a student. I’m talking no alcohol, no parties, no clubbing. I mean, can you believe that I study at a London university and I still haven’t been clubbing in London? Kokos, Ministry of Sound, and Roxy are just names to me. “I’m an idiot and didn’t get provisional at the right time and my passport is unavailable for Visa reasons” – if anyone is wondering. But people tend not to believe you after a while so I usually tell everyone I’d rather have a quiet night in with my boyfriend. When, in reality, I’m in my room watching Harry Potter for the millionth time. Or studying, I’m usually always studying.
Now, truth be told, I am a little bitter. I would have liked to enjoyed my first year because it only gets worse from here. In fact, I was informed today that a second year student had to be admitted to the hospital because of stress. I’m bricking it for next year. Tougher content + heavy coursework = no social life. And that’s what I’ve got myself into.
I was thinking about this earlier – would I change the past? Would I like to re-live this year with ID so I could enjoy student life more? Truth is, I don’t think so. I didn’t have ID this year – but I lived approximately 45 minutes from home and could, at any point, grab my passport if I wanted to. Then why didn’t I do so? What stopped me? I’m only physically unable to access my passport now, at a very inconvenient time, but not the entire year. Even if I had ID all year, I’d probably still feel left out right now.
It isn’t the circumstance but the person. I’m the sort of person that overly stresses out about every situation. It’s partly genetics because my mum is exactly like me, if not worse. I’ve always felt that I’ve been obsessed with studying – to the point that I’m always worried about how good I am, and how much more work I have to do. I’m constantly stressed about everything for no reason. There’s an assignment due? Stress out! There’s an exam in 7 weeks? Stress out! It’s an automatic reaction. Maybe it’s because I’m a perfectionist and maybe it’s also because I’m self-destructive about my abilities. But something has always prevented me from going out, enjoying myself, getting involved in societies, etc.
The other problem here is that I am very strong-willed. You can try to change me for weeks and I will still be myself. I have never given in to peer pressure because at every moment, I have felt like my believes are stronger than their persuasion. This is the main reason why I didn’t go out – because I felt like work was more important to me and I was worried that I had too much to do. Being anti peer-pressure and stressful at the same time is a lethal combination.
And yet, I am convinced I haven’t done well this year. This is why I’m feeling down. Despite hard work and anti-socialising, I’ve still managed to fail? (I don’t know that yet, but it’s possible.) So was the worrying worth it? In that respect, definitely not. There have been many occasions where I have just needed to chill down a little. So long-story short, I wouldn’t actually have known about my obsessive stress habits if I hadn’t done exactly what I did this year. In a way, I’ve learned a lesson. A cruel lesson but a lesson nonetheless. And it has just reiterated that one shouldn’t long for a past/future they think would be better but rather learn from their current situation and make the most of the time they’ve got.
That said, I’m just about to go chill with some people and chill the fuck out. Hopefully, I’ll be a lot more level-headed, confident and excited for the future.